Do you know there always happiness out there some where its a matter if you aspect it or not. I try something new try to get along with my family and especially my dad. He's done it again going back to his old self, never home and always out with his friends getting drunk. You know I thought he'll change for once but I guess what ever you want doesn't last as you aspect it too. Today I was suppose to retake my 6 hour course, b/c my paper work last year expire of course passed 6 months. So he suppose to drive me got me drove he want me get my licence believe me I want it as bad. He end up with his friends and telling me he's busy tick me off. I'm at age 18 and don't have a licence, its hard without it and my car is just there. I give it a try to get along with my family, but it's just couldn't happen things just end up everywhere, especially when no one understand what I've been going threw. I've been got up with heart breaks from the past, and keeping me away from opening and trying new relationships. I feel like a part of me is missing sometime, at times I feel lonely even tho I have many friends that cared and worried about me but nothing is the same, this summer I've been trying to work and earn as much money as I can. No break for myself the only break was today and I was wanting to go to 6hour course so I can hit the dmv on Monday. Can't even do that and when week starts I have to work again.
Life is so unfair at times you can't get what you want or the way you wanted. I don't know what been up lately but little things just tick me off. I used to be happy and felt like I was blessed with a great family and great friends. Now everything seem to be faring apart. Life is like a puzzle at times you have to find the right pieces and put them together, make a perfect picture. Taking a perfect picture is only for that moment of time. Every picture tells a story, happy, or sad, some pictures you can look back and smile at and others you don't even wanna touch.
Looking bad at some mine pictures make me wanna bring those times back.
I seem like my life is going in circle round and round, things are the same each and everyday, when I do get breaks no work I just stay home and sleep all day friends call to go out I don't even have the mood to go. So tired I've felt like life is so stressful, I've been stress and been having nightmares in my dreams. I don't know why I'm getting like this or why I don't life where my life is heading, I'm just hoping things change after I get my driver's licence so I can finally breathe. Hoping for the best and for better not for worst. Hard to have sister and brother that is a big age difference and my sister seem like she never understood me. Somehow the older I get she thinks I'm not mature. She don't understand me at all seem like I'm still a kid in her eyes, even tho we don't even live together she never get to know me, as for my brother we never talk, the only time we talk is when we need something other than that its always silents.
I feel sad when I look around other families how happy there family is, how my family used to be. I see other brothers and sisters getting along, or have those mini fights, or can talk and share about anything. I guess I'm not lucky to have that type of family anymore. I have close friends to share things too but for once I wonder how it is to share with my family. I feel weird if I ask them for help or such as if we are strangers. I feel like if i do cry or shear a tear they would be why you crying and think its a dumb reason instead of cheering me up.
I think I've been trying to be strong every since my mom death,I try so hard and hiding things and feelings deep inside. Burying the feeling of pain it hurts. Seem like things are now catching up with me. There is always strong people out there but they do have their weakness and I've think I reach it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
please have time and feel free to check out my sister site www.hushplush.com
HushPlush.com is an independent Internet retailer that offers variety style of fashion for females of all ages. We are confident to bring quality at affordable prices and would love to share our unique clothing selection to anyone that appreciates one of a kind style that cannot be found at retail stores. Therefore, please shop to your heart’s content.
she also have new clothes but haven't have time to upload to the website but believe me the stuff she have are cute I will post some pictures, her new items. I will update and post more when I get a chance my blog is acting up some reason.
Lately been working my butt off trying hard to save, it's so hard to save when I love to shop for makeup and of course clothes, sighs. Life is okay I still feel something is missing apart of me is. I just found out that the dmv paper for me to get my drivers licence expire. Which means I need to retake 6hours course to get the paper work, then back to the dmv cause that paper been 6 months or so. I'm really hoping I get my drivers licence so I can do more stuff and get things done and etc. It's so hard having a car but I can't drive it sucks real bad. I hope someone wish me luck because I think I need that then anything. On the other hand the guy that has a crush on me hasn't call since the last time. I hope he moves on not like I don't want to give a try, but I just want to be single for now after last heart break 2 years ago I'm not looking forward anything, but school and getting to drive.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My father and I had a distance since my mom passed away. He's always been working and so am I. We have nothing to talk about till today we spend a father and daughter time. He ask me where I will like to go eat and we went to an Asian Restaurant. Started off weird silents. It was so quite we could hear other families covo. Until we started a subject so hows life, I guess that's how I'm going to put it. Its weird, I thought our covo wouldn't last but it has. We talk to one subject to the next, till he brought up a covo telling me about his gf I was like ugh. After that we talked about family problems that been ignored for a while now. We ate and talk I couldn't believe that can happen. I felt better after we talked its been forever since we got along or hold a covo. It's started off weird on the way him I told him a few weeks before my mom's 5Th year I had a dream about her. He was like really I was like yes, and he ask me where she was, it was a weird dream and she was happy she smiled the whole time,we ate at my work place which is an Italian restaurant.She smiled the whole time I told him. He says thats good at least we know that shes happy now and no longer sad. When my mother was living she was at times sad and stress alot. I wish she let me see her agains because thats the best dream ever gething to see her.Mom, dad and I is starting to get along now you should rest in peace, I miss you and forever love you deep in my heart.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I don't know what to do. When someone calls you suppose to call them back right? He call again and this time left,me a voicemail asking me to call him back. I feel like if I was to call him back I would be stuck, and wanting to be in a relationship with him as he want me to be his gf. I mean I'm not looking forward to call him back nor am I wanting to be in a relationship. I seen like I have too much in my hands to be in one. Plus he is gonna be away for college. I know I can't put my life in order the way I wanted to be.My friends telling me to call back and talk to him but i don't know whats stoping me.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I thought going to work would keep my mind off about my mother dead from 4 years ago. Tomorrow is her 5th year, at work i had a huge melt down with my manager. I whole it in so long no one at work knew i lost a mother 4 years ago. I had to share with someone my eyes were red. I couldn't stop crying and now I am still. I felt bad for sharing to my manager and made her cry, she also told me how her father died. For peoples that are out there please Cherish your parents because you never know when they gonna step out your life. I'm very close with my mother she was like a best friend. I hear allot of people telling me how they don't get along with their parents, no matter what they done to you or whatever they still your parents. Not only that if it wasn't for them you wouldn't be here in this world.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wonder what make you still thinking bout me,I can see that you care threw those missed calls I get from you.I was always else-where when the phone vibrates,you maybe on the line wondering what I'm up to, what I'm doing? why I ain't answering?my heart doesn't beat fast nor did it stop, it on paste.I don't wanna be lost in your sweetest words made me feel like I found the right soundtrack to my ears.that is so UN-real,wonder why don't u stop wasting your time on me and find a better girl.Your time is worth doing something batter than spending that last min,last hour calling me.I know your might be looking into your phone wondering when I'm call you back.I wanna say look on,forward and stop calling, I'm not the girl you want and need in your life.my problems are to0 much and so UN-prefect, for a guy like you to handle.at the end of the day u got me wondering got me thinking bout the way we met, the way we talked on the phone.Every time I look at the cell one missed call and I know is you. I know all I gots to do is to click call back and then ill prob. find my happiness,I'm one click away to find the prefect boyfriend as if I was in heaven,cause the way you look at me, the way u want me, is so UN-true and its just right bitter-sweetness.in those eyes of yours, I know you truly like me, truly care,truly want to be mine and only.But boy I don't know you coming in my life too soon to fast.Its so UN-expected.If I answer that phone call it can, be hey boo,honey,baby,and its no longer gonna be hey what you doing whats up? b/c picking up that phone will change our lives together.I don't know what I'm doing is right or wrong someone told me I can't put life in the order I want,but who knows.If you are listening I wanna tell you that I do miss Ur voice,and the way you smile.I'm sorry if I'm acting selfish towards our feelings.I never been so lost and deep.I see how much you want too.I don't wanna stop you from going because I wouldn't want you to stop my dreams.I know your the guy that can take away the past and ease all the pain I had and bring me the a brighter and better life.I'm sorry love I don't wanna hurt you because I think you going to like me and give me more than, I can give out to you I don't want to hurt you.<3