Sunday, August 2, 2009

Do you know.

Do you know there always happiness out there some where its a matter if you aspect it or not. I try something new try to get along with my family and especially my dad. He's done it again going back to his old self, never home and always out with his friends getting drunk. You know I thought he'll change for once but I guess what ever you want doesn't last as you aspect it too. Today I was suppose to retake my 6 hour course, b/c my paper work last year expire of course passed 6 months. So he suppose to drive me got me drove he want me get my licence believe me I want it as bad. He end up with his friends and telling me he's busy tick me off. I'm at age 18 and don't have a licence, its hard without it and my car is just there. I give it a try to get along with my family, but it's just couldn't happen things just end up everywhere, especially when no one understand what I've been going threw. I've been got up with heart breaks from the past, and keeping me away from opening and trying new relationships. I feel like a part of me is missing sometime, at times I feel lonely even tho I have many friends that cared and worried about me but nothing is the same, this summer I've been trying to work and earn as much money as I can. No break for myself the only break was today and I was wanting to go to 6hour course so I can hit the dmv on Monday. Can't even do that and when week starts I have to work again.

Life is so unfair at times you can't get what you want or the way you wanted. I don't know what been up lately but little things just tick me off. I used to be happy and felt like I was blessed with a great family and great friends. Now everything seem to be faring apart. Life is like a puzzle at times you have to find the right pieces and put them together, make a perfect picture. Taking a perfect picture is only for that moment of time. Every picture tells a story, happy, or sad, some pictures you can look back and smile at and others you don't even wanna touch.
Looking bad at some mine pictures make me wanna bring those times back.

I seem like my life is going in circle round and round, things are the same each and everyday, when I do get breaks no work I just stay home and sleep all day friends call to go out I don't even have the mood to go. So tired I've felt like life is so stressful, I've been stress and been having nightmares in my dreams. I don't know why I'm getting like this or why I don't life where my life is heading, I'm just hoping things change after I get my driver's licence so I can finally breathe. Hoping for the best and for better not for worst. Hard to have sister and brother that is a big age difference and my sister seem like she never understood me. Somehow the older I get she thinks I'm not mature. She don't understand me at all seem like I'm still a kid in her eyes, even tho we don't even live together she never get to know me, as for my brother we never talk, the only time we talk is when we need something other than that its always silents.

I feel sad when I look around other families how happy there family is, how my family used to be. I see other brothers and sisters getting along, or have those mini fights, or can talk and share about anything. I guess I'm not lucky to have that type of family anymore. I have close friends to share things too but for once I wonder how it is to share with my family. I feel weird if I ask them for help or such as if we are strangers. I feel like if i do cry or shear a tear they would be why you crying and think its a dumb reason instead of cheering me up.

I think I've been trying to be strong every since my mom death,I try so hard and hiding things and feelings deep inside. Burying the feeling of pain it hurts. Seem like things are now catching up with me. There is always strong people out there but they do have their weakness and I've think I reach it.